Journal entry: Some honest admissions
It's the first of February and that means I've completed my first workout calendar set out by the amazing Cassey Ho - better known as Blogilates on Youtube. I can't stop recommending her channel because she's helped me in so many more ways than anyone will ever know.
I think I must have started practicing pop pilates just under a year ago and I started with the very bare minimum. I began with just a video a day and gradually started doing more over time but for the beginning of 2018... I wanted to challenge myself and so I pushed to complete Cassey's January workout calendar. I am so proud to say that I managed to complete it even if I took a couple of rest days here and there due to all the travelling!
That little bit of victory and this post in its entirety hasn't been the easiest to write though. Why? Well... mainly because it means that I have to admit to myself that somewhere along the lines, I lost the love I had for me - I was just drained.
Over the past few years, I have shunned myself from seeing or meeting friends when the opportunity arrises because I wasn't feeling okay. Physically or mentally. What's worse is that I realised it only ever happened whenever I was back in Asia - a place that's always been my home and my comfort. At one of my lowest points, I hid away from seeing one of my best friends and cried at home. She was the only person who knew that I was around but I couldn't bring myself to physically meet her. I was, am and will always be so grateful that she understood how I felt and consoled me. Aesya darling, I love you and I'll see you soon.
But yeah, my self-confidence plummeted to an all time low just before I began my Masters and it's taken me quite a while to even begin addressing the issue. I now know that it was the combination of various things: the invisible stress from my surroundings, my continuously volatile relationship with food, my rising anxiety over societal standards and my own perception of beauty. In other words, besides my already unhealthy and sometimes obsessive view of food... I realised that I also deeply cared about people's opinion and their perception of me. Those few combinations broke me and I felt more alone than ever in that state of mind. I struggled for the longest time to begin helping myself but I eventually did. I can't remember the exact point in time that I wanted or needed to feel better but it happened for me.
The healing began slowly. It took a lot of small changes and a lot of small efforts to get to where I am now but I have Cassey to thank for. I stretched whenever I was feeling under the weather, did cardio when I had the energy, practiced pilates when I had the time and even did deep breathing exercises when I was riddled with anxiety or stress. Gradually, I have managed to be okay again. This time around, being back in Hong Kong doesn't scare me. I can look at myself in the mirror and I am genuinely okay with being out in public. Honestly, I know how it must sound to you guys because even typing that on a screen makes the issue seem so vague and silly - even to me but I really can't begin to describe the many episodes that's happened in my head that's screaming at me to just hide away. I can't begin to describe how when it hits me, those feelings completely dominate and all I could do is allow it to happen. I'm so grateful and glad that those negative thoughts come with less and less frequency now.
But I woke up this morning with all those less-than-desired feelings again... and you know what, I've learned that that's okay too. It's just a gloomy day and it'll get better. I'd like to take this moment to gently remind myself of all the things I've achieved despite all the hurt and pain I've inflicted on this body. That despite all the emotions and conflicts... I've managed to cross every single one of those hurdles and today is not going to trip me up.
Sending love to everyone reading this in case anyone needs it! 💖